Do you feel like a burden?

I am a burden. I am weak. Two thoughts that occur to many people when they are struggling. Two thoughts that people will defend when they are sitting across from me. In this case I would ask someone whether their values involve compassion for others. It would sound something like “do you believe that when someone is struggling emotionally they deserve help”? Most of the people I speak to have strong values regarding compassion for others. Regardless I am becoming less surprised that many people pause or cannot bring themselves to respond when I ask “if everyone else deserves compassion it would be absurd if you weren’t included, isn’t that so?” Perhaps you also consider compassion a guiding ideal?

The internal critic inside us all can be very persuasive. People hold themselves to certain criteria regarding whether they deserve compassion or not. Those expectations for themselves are almost always higher than those set for others. I start this process by asking them to say out loud what would discount someone from compassion and that usually brings some fairly uncomfortable silence. One of the key obstacles in allowing self-compassion is a misunderstanding of mental health issues. It is the consideration that if someone else is going through worse and doesn’t seem to be struggling or need help than why should they ask for it? In response to that idea it is important to remember that mental ill health is often defined as an emotional experience that perpetuates outside of the circumstances in which it was provoked or an amplification of an emotional response that does not fit the circumstances in which it arose.

There are numerous variables as to why this might occur. The most frequent of which I observe is either an unusual intersection of stressors or a long term accumulation of stressors that the client has never had to burden previously. Perhaps it’s moving country and a break up at the same time or its full time work, completing a University degree and having your first child. The support someone has around them might predict a capacity to manage such high stress, maybe their temperament assists their resilience, perhaps its excellent self-care. Regardless, if any of those protective factors are not aligned then it becomes very easy to blame yourself.

If the depth of your struggle feels out of character, it is more than likely time to ask for help (from a friend or from a psychologist). Unfortunately your perception of what you deserve is no longer a reliable narrator.